Tag Archives: Text

1. Sometimes, I’ll be driving with Wife and about halfway into the car ride, I realize that we’ve been listening to the radio on SCAN for the past 25 minutes. I don’t know why, but this makes me feel like my life is a goddamn mess. 2. I’ve been doing my best to make my [...]

1. Today, my dad and I wheeled through the hospital looking at all the posters on the walls. He’s not allowed out of the building. We wheeled slowly down the halls, into wings that had nothing to do with us. Prosthetics. Voluntary Services. Dietary Services. Research. We’d stop at every poster and peruse, like we [...]

1. Standing outside, a man and a woman passed me on their way to the car. The woman just stared at me. Not expectantly, just looking. And not seeming very impressed. Didn’t say “hi.” Just looked and passed. She started walking towards her car and her husband says, “That’s not our car.” Then he gestures [...]

1. Whenever my dad talks about his days in college or catholic school, I feel like he’s talking about an old TV show. Everyone is proper and calls each other sir and ma’am. And they feel ashamed when they tell a lie, even if nobody knows. My dad tells me this story almost every time [...]

1. Once, at Target, the cashier said to me: “Raise the roof.” Confused, I said nothing. And she said it again. “Raise the roof.” Finally, realizing that I was a lummox, she said, “Your shirt. It says ‘Raise the roof.’” I looked down to discover that she was indeed correct. At times like this, it [...]

I would rather hear about the last sandwich you ate than anything else.

I would rather hear about the last sandwich you ate than anything else.

1. At the store, I bought cran-raspberry juice which I plan to dilute with a little bit of water and sip on for the rest of the day. (The preceding line, my friends, is what we in the biz call an “attention getter.”) I plan to drink this at work because Wife never drinks cranberry [...]

1. Lately, I’ve been out of sorts. Like, yesterday, I was standing on a street corner, and an SUV rolled up and eased on its brakes, and as it did so, there was this terrible creaking noise that bordered on a grinding noise, like something was breaking each time the vehicle braked, and I thought, [...]

I thought I was buying a bag of frozen curly fries. But in fact, I was buying “golden twirls.” It strikes me that the language of consumer products has become so beautiful. And in response, our poetic diction has become that much more grotesque.